Feds Authorize Massive Study Of Romantic Habits Of Elderly Women

Old Lady
Hey, if you are in to that sort of thing, feds…

The National Institute of Health (NIH) is spending nearly $200,000 to study how to enhance the sex lives of retirement-age and elderly women through meditation. Your tax dollars at work!

The NIH grant was rewarded to the University of Pittsburg last month, and will study how new age meditation techniques can, “be used as intervention to stimulate women over the age of 50 years to make them more active in the bedroom.”

The researchers who have been awarded this government grant believe that meditation is the best and safest way to help elderly women increase their sexual drive. The grant goes on to explain, ” [meditation] treatments that can address both physical and psychological aspects of sexual dysfunction may be more effective than medications … Mindfulness is a practice that emphasizes in-the-moment focus and non-judgmental bodily awareness.”

The university has already received $187,704 in funds for the study, and are expected to finish the project in March of 2022. The National Institute of Health has spent well over $100 million on research into potential health applications of new age mysticism and meditation.

As with most NIH grants, the research is geared towards affecting policy changes, or producing a new consumer product or service. In this case, the goal is to produce, “effective treatments for women’s sexual problems [that] will not only improve women’s sex lives. It will address a significant public health need by allowing adults to maintain high quality of life and essential social relationships with aging.”

Holly Thomas, an assistant professor of medicine at the University of Pittsburgh, is leading the study, and has a background in similar medical inquiries. A 2014 research paper coauthored by Thomas found women who “reported greater importance of sex” were more likely to be sexually active. The study discovered that 66.3% of women aged 40 to 65 were sexually active – certainly information that only the pervs were clamoring for!

Only a few short weeks ago, the Republican congress fully funded the NIH, so that it could continue to pursue bizarre, hair-brained, and pervy studies such as this. Hey, aren’t cancer, Alzheimer’s, Lou Gehrig’s and dementia still around? Why is our esteemed government not laser-focused on those things?